In an earlier blog, I spoke of the vital importance of listening deeply in order to achieve deep understanding of how another person might feel. So….how does listening help us to understand? The answer is empathy. The ability to empathize is key to truly “getting” another person.
So…what exactly is empathy?
Social science researchers who study “emotion” generally agree that empathy means the ability to sense and identify correctly the emotions of others, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. I love this definition because it goes deeper than just “sensing” how someone else might feel, and leads the listener into the imaginative exercise of entering into another persons’ inner world to appreciate how the world might look and feel inside that person. This exercise creates the “felt” sense of emotional connection between speaker and listener, and becomes the foundation for a lasting and sustaining relationship.
Can empathy be taught and learned?
Yes! Empathy is one of the most important skills that make up “emotional intelligence”. It turns out that success in life has at least as much to do with good Emotional Intelligence as it does with our intellect. The good news is that just practicing careful “open” listening and allowing your imagination to wonder how another person might feel actually builds the emotional “muscle” to really create that understanding. In addition to this…you can check out with the person you are trying to understand to see if you “got it right”. You need only “hypothesize” about how you think it “might” feel and check out this hypothesis. The truth is that when someone cares enough to try and understand us, we are often happy to clarify our feelings. As an added bonus to the speaker, we begin to understand ourselves better when we describe a feeling to someone else. We are in fact “clarifying” our own feelings to ourselves.
And always…Be Present
The building of an “empathic bond” between two people in relationship is only possible when both people are fully “present” to each other. This means each speaker is making a conscious effort to set aside all other concerns and distractions and is devoting the time and attention to the understanding of his/her partner, friend, or family member. Take the time that it takes and be in the right “headspace” to receive.
What About When Feelings Expressed Are Intense or Frightening?
Understanding does not always come easily in our conversations with others especially when we hear things that may seem unfamiliar, frightening, or intense. If you are patient though, you will find that when another person is able to name how they feel, it’s the first step to taming how they feel. It may take awhile for your “speaker’ to arrive at the exact nature of the feelings because often there are feelings covering up other feelings.
Stick With It…. It’s Well Worth the effort
The investment of time spent gaining a full understanding of the inner life of a person you care about, will pay off for you…. sometimes in the form of a lifelong friendship…or sometimes in the form of your life partner. Either way…you win