Adults entering therapy often cite “relationship issues” as a reason for wanting psychological help.  Relationships are hard.  Break-ups hurt. Divorce is destabilizing for everyone who is affected by it.   So, how do we heal from the trauma of relationship loss, and/or the relational abuses that many of us suffer in our lives? Not surprisingly, the answer to this question also has to do with relationship.  Put simply…the way to heal the legacy of a “bad” relationship is through a sustained experience in a “good” relationship. In therapy, a key “healing” relationship can be the relationship a client has with their therapist. It doesn’t have to be a therapist though. Any sustained “good” relationship can go a long way to healing the after effects of a “bad” relationship. A “healing” relationship can also be thought of as a “corrective emotional experience”.

Here is how and why it works

Early Relational Experiences:  As young children we are very dependent on our parents or caregivers to fulfill our needs. For those of us with dependable, available, loving caregivers…this works out well. We learn to be able to trust adults charged with our care. Some of us are not so lucky though. The adults in our life are not dependable or available to us.  They may even be physically or emotionally abusive. So.. What does this mean as we grow into adults?

The Relational Blueprint In Our Minds:  According to attachment research, we learn how to be in relationship by applying the “working model” we learned in our childhood through the relationships we had with caregivers. If we were badly treated, this is what we learn to expect in subsequent relationships.  Understandably, we may be wary and distrustful.  We may even “sabotage” new relationships by “breaking up” with someone…before they have the chance to break up with us. We want relationships, but we can’t trust them.

Correcting Our Internal working model:  Fortunately our brains are blessed with the miracle of “neuroplasticity”.  When we have new relationships that are dependable, loving, empathic, and lasting…we are actually laying down new neural pathways that create trust and the expectation of ongoing security. The more relationships we have that are dependable and stable the better.

So…what’s the Takeaway?:  When you consider all of the ingredients of “self care”, don’t forget to include relationship maintenance. Weather it be it your family member, your long-term significant other, or your close friends, they are all important parts of keeping that relational neural pathway strong and reliable. There is simply no return on investment that can come close to this one, so nurture these relationships. It has been documented over and over again that deathbed regrets are never about material wealth…they are about neglected or unresolved and unrepaired relationships.  Don’t let this be you. Spend time finding, nurturing, and repairing relationships whenever possible. You won’t regret it.