When I was an adolescent back in the 1960’s I became obsessed with rock and roll music. In retrospect I can now see this time in my life as an “awakening” of sorts. I began to fantasize about what it would be like to have a boyfriend, and many of my fantasies were fueled by rock and roll lyrics that I memorized and sang along with on my AM radio. What was the content of these lyrics?  It was all about romantic love as it is understood by teens and twentysomethings. How do you find a boyfriend?  How do you keep a boyfriend? What happens if you lose a boyfriend? 

These were all burning questions asked by these songs, and the main emphasis was on how relationships “feel”. I, of course, wanted to “feel” good and I imagined that I’d “feel” the best if my boyfriend was “cute” and had high ”value” amongst my peers. Indeed when I finally got a boyfriend I did feel good. He actually liked me…which felt like a miracle. However, my good feelings were very transient as young “love” often is. 

These early experiences were not “real” love as I understand it now. They were experiences of a kind of  “imitation” love that is fleeting and transactional. The implied transaction, in my view, is an unstated “deal” you make with your “crush” that as long as this relationship makes us both “feel” good, and feel we have a higher “status” with our peers we will hold onto it. If something “better” comes along…all bets are off.

Since this time, many years ago, I have a very different understanding of what real love is. I am fortunate to have found real love in may forms…from the love of my children to the love of my dear friends to the love of my husband…these are all examples of the real love I have discovered.  So, what is the difference between my early relationships and the ones I have now?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and realizing that we have it backwards when we put this emphasis on how another person makes “us” feel. The more important question is, I believe, do we have the capacity to see, accept, and unconditionally love another person regardless of their inevitable shortcomings and flaws? Is the well-being of another person important to us, and can we give of ourselves without specific expectation of what they are able to give back ?

As mothers, the capacity to love our children unconditionally is a biological necessity for their survival, but I believe it’s equally important in adult relationships. In my experience, when I have been able to demonstrate that kind of love to another person…romantic or not…I have also been able to feel their love back. Real love is like that, I think.  When you give it out freely and generously it comes back to you tenfold. The key is to give of yourself authentically in whatever capacity you can. By generously, I don’t mean that you should sacrifice your own well-being for that of someone else. If someone expects this of you, then it shows me that they are not capable of real love for you. Ideally, you want to give to each other in equal measure, so that your well-being is just as important as the well-being of another. This is REAL Love in my view.