In my view we have all suffered some form of trauma over our lifetime.  Traumas present themselves in a variety of ways.  They can be big, sudden, and totally unexpected like an automobile accident or a natural disaster.  They can also look smaller and less intense to those who are looking at them from the outside.  An example of a “smaller” trauma might be a childhood with some degree of emotional neglect, or divorce. The traumatic “event” can be over relatively quickly, or it can go on and on for days, weeks, or months. 

Regardless of the nature of any specific “trauma”, studies now tell us that the body remembers and stores trauma.  It never really goes away but instead is encoded in our memory.  We are not always thinking about these memories of course, but as we all know memories can be triggered in the present time when something reminds us of a particular time, place, and circumstance from our past. .  We might catch a smell that reminds us of this time and place. Alternatively, we might see someone who is associated with a traumatic time in our life, or we might go to a place that brings back a memory.  In these instances memories may “flood” our nervous system with visual images, as well as bringing back the exact way we felt when the trauma was taking place.  The “flooding” may take us by surprise as we try to figure out why we are reacting so strongly.   An example of the “surprise” we sometimes feel is the “Anniversary reaction”, where we become suddenly sad at the yearly anniversary of the death of a loved one.  The body remembers all of the “cues” that are associated with this time of year and we feel how we felt then as though no time had passed. 

I bring this “triggering” phenomenon up because of an experience I had over the Christmas holiday.  I attended a family party with extended family members I had not seen in a long time, and found myself unexpectedly “triggered” into strong feelings of competition, envy, and fear.  The feelings felt out of proportion to the actual experience of being in the presence of these somewhat distant cousins.  I was feeling flooded and I wanted to escape.  Mostly I felt very impatient with myself.  Why was I feeling these feelings so strongly?  Why was my mind torturing me with details of memories from the past that were no longer relevant?  I dealt with all of this in therapy many years ago so why was it coming up again now.?

Fortunately, when I arrived back home, and away from the “scene” I was able to turn my despair into curiosity.  I began to investigate the nature of traumatic memory and realized that my reactions made perfect sense.

The reality is that our mind is encoding memories all the time. We need to do this in order to remain safe in the world. It’s an unconscious need and an automatic process. During times of “stress” however, such as, for me, the times from my childhood when I was being teased and bullied by my  “richer” cousins, the “memory making” process is in a sense hijacked by the “fight or flight” autonomic nervous system. Detailed memory making is not as important as safety so it goes “offline” so to speak.  As a child I would hide and cry and seek comfort.  I would do anything to remain safe.  My memories of that time were fragmented and incomplete, as traumatic memories often are. I tried to avoid the memories and associations to difficult times

Interestingly, our “memory making “mechanism is always trying to “fill in the blanks” and create a coherent story. It “tags” memories that have emotional resonance, and when associations to these memories occur in present time, new details emerge.  With time, maturity, and the desire…these details can be digested and integrated into a meaningful story. This is true healing.  In my case I’m hoping for less reactivity when I’m confronted with hurtful people who are either in my past…or who are like hurtful people in my past

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation…try to turn your fear and natural tendency to avoid the discomfort into curiosity.  Become an investigator into your own psyche.  This will allow you the detachment you need to make meaning of the story.  Also, look at your mind as a miraculous thing.  It is always trying to help you if you have time and patience to let the process happen.