The older you become the more you realize that losing loved ones is an inevitable part of life.  Some losses are more difficult than others, however.  When you lose someone unexpectedly, weather through violence, or simply when you feel they are “too young” to die, the loss is much harder to accept. 

If you find yourself unable to “move on” after you have lost someone particularly near and dear to you, take heart.  You are not alone.  Western culture sometimes sends the message that we “should be able to get over this”.  Very limited bereavement leave is the norm for most jobs…. as though a few days is all you need for proper grieving.

The truth is that everyone experiences grief differently and on a different timetable.  There is no set formula for how to grieve and how long it should take. However there are some things that you can do to come to a more accepting and peaceful place in your own heart and mind.  Grief researchers offer the following tips for working through grief:

• Make sure you have plenty of support from family and friends.  Allow them to nurture you and take care of you.  Your energy will feel completely drained by the experience of loss.
• It’s important that you have the chance to tell the story of the “event” that led to the loss.  How did you find out? Did you get that “phone call” that we all dread in the middle of the night? Were you at the bedside of someone with a terminal illness?”  Your memory is forming an important narrative of an event that may have completely altered your life.  As much as possible, you need to understand it, so you can begin to make “meaning” of it.
• “Meaning making” is perhaps the most important task inherent in grieving.  If someone dies when they have lived a long life…. the “meaning” of this event is much easier to accept. No one lives forever.  The challenge is how to make “meaning” in the case of the unexpected and “unfair” death.  Grief experts tell us that it’s important to explore within ourselves how the lost loved one enriched our life, as well as the life of others.  Additionally, it can be important to look at “unfinished business” we may have interpersonally with the one who has died.  What remained unsaid?  What needed to be forgiven? 
• An important concept to consider is that although a person is no longer with us in a concrete “corporeal” sense, the relationship we have with that person has not died.  It lives on in our mind and heart and thus must be attended to.
• So how do we attend to a relationship within us?  We write the letter that attempts to “finish” the business.  The letter does not need to be sent.  Or, we engage in the dialog we wished we had. We imagine the responses we might have gotten from the lost loved one.
• Last but not least, it’s important to continue to weave your lost love one into stories you tell to others…not obsessively but very naturally.

It does get better, but everyone has his or her own timetable.  There will come a time that your memories give you more pleasure than pain.  That’s when you know you are successfully working through your grief.