The easy part of online dating is clearly the part that is accomplished “online”. From a “safe” distance, you are able to evaluate possible dating “prospects” at the same time as you, also, are being assessed. With enough patience and persistence, a “match” is achieved. The next step is moving from “virtual” to “real”. An arrangement is made to meet one another “in the flesh”. Now the most important, and the scariest part of online dating begins. How should the early part of relationship building begin? What is the appropriate attitude to adopt in these early meetings? If you are looking to begin the process of finding “the one”, how can you move quickly into the discernment process while also being aware of “red flags” that are trying to signal you that you’re not on the right track? These are the questions I’d like to address.
The first concept to consider, I believe, is the idea that you are looking for someone who will value and connect with you based upon your true and authentic self…rather than the “self” you aspire to be…(your “ideal” self.) Its important to consider the difference between real and ideal in the context of online dating because who you present “virtually” may not be exactly who you actually are at this moment. What if your picture, for example, is a picture of a younger you, or a more “fit” you. The same concept holds with other things you may say about yourself. As human beings we often try to present a “better” version of ourselves to the world at large. It may work, to an extent, on a work resume, or in some other superficial context. But this false presentation can backfire, big time, in the formation of a mature intimate relationship.
The truth is that deeply fulfilling and sustaining relationships are based on two people gradually and carefully revealing their true and authentic selves to one another. At our core we are all flawed and imperfect so that the sooner we reveal this truth to another person, the sooner they have permission to do the same thing. That’s how intimacy is built. When we hide our imperfect selves behind a more perfect “façade” this is called, in psychological language, using a “defense mechanism.” We are erecting a defense structure to protect us because we feel, essentially vulnerable to the “attacks”, if you will, of others.
Contrary to what we may believe, allowing our defense mechanisms to break down, just a little bit, and approaching a new relationship with an “undefended” heart rather than a “defended” heart is actually what makes us more “lovable” not less so.
Notice that I said, “allowing our defense mechanisms to break down just a little bit when beginning a new relationship. It’s a careful and fragile process this slow and mindful opening up of our heart to another person…romantic or otherwise….
More on this in my next blog.