In my previous blog I talked about moving from the “easy” part of online dating to the more difficult part. The most challenging, and most exciting, part is meeting up with a perspective romantic partner in the flesh.
In “The Undefended Heart”, I alluded to the “art” of relationship building and mentioned that it is based upon a careful process of slowly letting your “guard” down in order to reveal to another person who you really are (your authentic and imperfect self) It is an “artful” and “mindful” process because there is also the danger of “over share”…that is the “too quick” giving up of the deeply hidden parts of your inner self in a desperate attempt to “connect” to another. This can backfire on you if you have revealed yourself to someone who ends up being not worthy of your trust. As a corollary to this idea, I personally believe that getting immediately involved in sexual relations can muddy the waters and create a sense of “false” intimacy. This creates misunderstanding at best, or deeply hurt feelings of being “used” in the worst instances. Go slow…I always say
To avoid the danger of “over share”, I’d like to suggest that approaching a new relationship with an “undefended Heart” does not mean that you leave your heart unprotected. You “protect your heart when you listen” carefully and openly to the messages you are receiving from it regarding the person sitting across from you. What are your authentic feelings regarding this person? You are unafraid when you trust what you feel. When you trust your own feelings you don’t need to create a fortress around your heart because your feelings are unwavering. Your heart is open and spacious but also… safe. Pay attention to your feelings. Yes…you may be attracted physically to this person but at the same time you are noticing other “red flags” about him/her that signal this person may not be right for you. It could be as simple as a “mismatch” between the persons actual appearance and their picture, or it could be that they were ridiculously late…. two times in a row. The “undefended” heart “listens” in an open and “nonjudgmental” way and develops a kind of relational “situational” awareness that can accurately asses weather this is a healthy situation for you. Developing this awareness is crucial in the first couple of meetings with a new person
Here are some important questions to ask yourself:
1. Do I feel safe and comfortable to be my true self with this person?
2. Am I feeling like I don’t measure up, or am not “good” enough
3. Can I express myself fully?
4. Does the other person express him/herself fully?
Relationships are “risky”…always. But it is a calculated risk…not a reckless one. You are moving forward, trying it out, daring to risk yourself, moving back, seeing how it feels, and trying again. Your partner in this adventure is doing the very same thing.
Next blog will begin to answer the question: “But what do we talk about?” How do we get to know one another? “How do we deepen our relationship?”
Researchers have actually come up with some good answers to these very questions
Stay tuned.