Research into the nature of human attachment now proves what many mental health professionals have always known. Beyond a doubt, secure relationships are the key to long life and happiness. Observations of mothers and infants reveal the importance of a “securely attached” infant for promoting optimal growth of the growing child…. physically, socially, and emotionally. Researchers now see that secure attachment is also a key component in healthy and sustainable adult relationships
Attachment In Adult Relationships
By the time we reach adulthood, there is a pretty big variation amongst us as far the quality of the relationships we had as children. Clearly, not everyone has the experience of loving, consistent, and emotionally present caregivers. There is good news, however. In the choosing of a “life” partner, the deficits of our childhood can be addressed and repaired. The individual “self” is a constantly evolving entity. Choosing your partner well and “working” on your adult relationships…offers a second chance to become happy and secure as an adult…even if your child hood was not so great
Finding Someone You Can Be Securely Attached To
Searching for the right person to build a life with is a seriously important task. Although it is tempting to make this choice based on strong physical attraction, this is not a wise idea. Physical attraction is just one small part of true intimacy…and it just won’t carry you through the difficult times that are inevitable with the passing of time. Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you attempt to weed out people who just won’t work out in the long run.
Questions To Ponder:
- Can I really talk to this person and know that they truly are listening. Do I feel comfortable revealing my shortcomings and vulnerabilities?
- Does this person show empathy for the “story” of my past…that is the events that helped “shape” who I am now?
- Does this person demonstrate the ability to be emotionally “present” for me in times of stress? Can I do the same for him/her?
Answering yes to all of these questions is a good sign that you have found someone who you will be able to have a sustained long term relationship with. This is true even if your childhood attachments were not always positive and secure. If your “yes” is a little more tentative…then you know which parts of your relationship need work. The “work” will be worth it though, and will help heal those childhood wounds.