“Listening” To One Another During Challenging Times

Posted on June 24, 2020 by admin

Interpersonal conflict happens on many levels in our world. We might find ourselves at “odds” with an intimate partner, or we might feel some distress at the conflict that arises between groups of people. Either way the feeling is much the same, I believe. Fueling the conflict is the longing to be seen, understood, and accepted, and this longing is universally human. What happens is that the more vulnerable feelings of “invisibility” are overlaid with frustration, and anger. It makes sense, I think. The longer we have to hide our deeper and more vulnerable feelings, the more time there is for the anger to build. Although the emotion of “anger” is often considered psychologically to be a “secondary” emotion, when it has been building for a long time it feels very “primal”, intense, and necessary to express. How can this expression be done “safely” and effectively though? How can we discover what lies beneath and begin to heal others and ourselves?

LISTENING WITH THE GOAL OF TRUE UNDERSTANDING

It may seem obvious and trite to say this, but it bears repeating to acknowledge that many of our conversations in daily life consist of two or more people talking past each other in order to get a point across. In early sessions with couples I see this kind of “no communication” communication, happen all the time. Voices escalate louder and louder with the misguided notion that more volume means you will be heard better. There is no true “listening” going on at all here and the anger and frustration increase. The session becomes emotionally unsafe at worst, or at the very least unproductive. In contrast to this, if a conversation begins with the goal that we want to really UNDERSTAND one another, it’s going to take much longer but be way more effective. First of all though, everyone needs to slow way way down.

SLOW DOWN YOUR CONVERSATION AND TALK ONE AT A TIME

I’m sure we all remember the teacher in elementary school who said, “Please raise your hand and I’ll call on you so we are speaking “one at a time”. It’s much the same in a productive conversation. Ideally, you have one “talker” at a time, and at least one listener at a time. If you are the one talking, and you feel that someone is truly attentive to you, you are much less likely to become actively “angry” even if you feel angry. You can talk about your anger without being “in” it, because you have the space and time to express the feeling to someone who is listening.

YOUR JOB AS A LISTENER

The job of a listener is to focus only on what is being said, not interrupt, and then ask questions to clarify your understanding. It can be very helpful to reflect back what you think you heard, and make sure you got it right. When your talker believes you really got it, you can switch roles, so that you are the “talker”. You will get back exactly what you gave…. the gift of feeling seen, heard, understood.

FEELING UNDERSTOOD IS STEP ONE TO RESOLVING THE CONFLICT

It would be naive of me to believe that a session of truly listening and attempting to understand one another is going to actually and miraculously “solve” any kind of human conflict…especially one that has been building for a considerable period of time. It’s just the first step in what may be a long process. The step may need to be repeated many times…. before the problem solving can begin.

Try the method of slow and reflective listening on a friend, a partner, or your child. See how it feels when you have time to really get your thoughts out without interruption or defensive reaction. See if you can achieve that feeling, after having been understood that you really “matter” in this world. In my view it’s a feeling we all need, and deserve to have….as necessary I think as the air we breathe.

What Does It Really Mean To Be There For One Another?

Posted on June 10, 2020 by admin

When a couple is in distress a common complaint from both partners is: “My partner is not really “there” for me the way I need them to be. The complaint is vague but strongly felt, so it is worthwhile to unpack what it really means. What is it exactly that is “lacking” when your partner is not there for you? Here are some ideas I have heard from many couples and individuals over the years, along with some thoughts about how address this issue:

When your partner is really “there” for you they understand you, appreciate you, and “get” why you feel as you do. If this is not happening it probably means that the two of you are not communicating effectively. The key to effective communication is that you must listen very carefully and without interruption to what is being said, and then check to make sure you got it right. This kind of reflective listening does not mean that you are listening in order to “solve” the problem, if there is one. You are only trying to understand. Understanding then becomes the bridge to finding empathy with your partner, and forming the trusting and equal “partnership” that will eventually lead to a solution. Often the solutions don’t come right away…so you need patience…with yourself and your partner.

Being there for each other has also been described to me by couples as a sense that your partner has your back in situations where you need an ally…you need someone who is truly on your “side”. This does not mean couples always agree with each other about how they “see” a particular situation. In fact, sometimes it is helpful to consider another point of view. In the long run though, you, as a couple are a “united” front. In parenting situations the importance of the “united” front really plays out as the parents come to what could be a “compromise” in terms of how to handle children. The kids always benefit from the security of this united front. Other situations where you might need your partner to “have your back” would be in dealing with in-laws or friends where you may feel betrayed when your partner violates your privacy and trust and gives away sensitive information without your permission. (Hence the expression, “you did that behind my back”.”You did not protect me”)

Finally, the importance of physical presence to each other when you are a couple cannot be overstated. We need each other physically, but also we need to be “available” to one another even when physical closeness is not possible. Giving the gift of our time, not to solve or minimize a problem, but just to listen deeply and without judgment is a practice, which is both healing and bonding.

Hopefully, this sheds some light on the complex dynamic of being there for one another. The practices that help us bond and attach securely and sustainably to each other are applicable in all relationships, from romantic to parental to our close friendships.

The Perks of “Dating” online

Posted on May 28, 2020 by admin

Many aspects of our lives have been affected by recent “shelter in place” and quarantine directives. Among the changes and adjustments we have had to make concern the world of “dating”. Sure…. we’ve had online and mobile dating apps for a while. What’s different now, though, is that there is an indefinite time between “meeting” someone new online and then following up by meeting them in person. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing?

Actually, in some ways I think a prolonged period of getting to know someone “virtually”, can be a good thing. “Slowing down” the process of courtship may allow two people to get to know one another on a deeper more intimate level before the “chemistry” of attraction complicates things. You may even find yourself feeling that its “safer” emotionally to be more vulnerable and “open” than you might allow yourself to be in person. The key is to focus on really being your true self, rather than who you might like to be, or think you “should” be.

IN OTHER WORDS, BE AUTHENTIC

Authenticity means being real, and maybe even flying your “freak flag” around a bit.

It means allowing yourself to be imperfect, and even humanly flawed.

It also means not covering up or changing anything about yourself, based on what you think might be “better” or more acceptable to the person you are talking to.

With prolonged “online” relationships, the stakes are not so high, and you are less likely to be hurt when things don’t work out. If you have not yet invested your “body” in a relationship, you can “let go” more easily.

OTHER ADVANTAGES TO MORE EXTENDED ONLINE DATING?

How about the fact that you can take a “deep dive” into being curious about this other person very early on in the relationship? You can find out if they are really “right” for you as a lifelong romantic partner before you make the physical commitment. Maybe this person is great as a “friend” but that’s as far as it will go…and that’s OK. Maybe you will find yourself making an excellent lifelong friend.

There is nothing wrong with that.

TAKING IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL

If this turns out to be a relationship that holds promise for you both, there will come a time when you’ll meet in person. At this point you will have already become “friends” in a more emotionally intimate, committed sense. Starting a more romantic relationship as good friends is a great way to start.

Ironically, the pandemic which has forced so many of us to forgo physical connection for a time, may have something to teach us about how to have more secure physical/emotional relationships in the long run.

What Is Your Love Language?

Posted on April 29, 2020 by admin

When I see a couple for the first time, I often ask each person separately, but within earshot of the other: “What do you want in this relationship that you are not now getting?” A common answer is, “I want to feel loved”, or “I want to feel as though we are in love”. Maybe the feeling used to be there but has now gone, or maybe something is “missing” that each member of this couple longs for and has never quite arrived.

Upon further exploration with this generic couple, it becomes clear that each individual person has a unique way of giving and receiving love. From childhood we learned that love is shown to us through a unique combination of words, actions, and physical gestures, and these are the ways that we also learned to show that we love others. Giving and receiving love are simply different sides of the same coin. In our original families we developed a Love language made up of these words, gestures, and actions that we all understood without having to specifically talk about it much. If we were lucky enough to be well loved, the love just flowed. It just happened.

Fast forward to finding a love partner, we all still long to be loved in the way that we once felt. Even if we did not get enough love in childhood, we hopefully at least got a taste of what we now want more of. Now though, we are with a new person. This person developed a love language in their respective childhood that is different from ours. How can we find a common language of love with each other? How can we become better attuned with what our partner needs and wants, while also getting our own needs met?

In his bestseller book, “The Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapmen offers a solution to this problem by suggesting that there are five main ‘Love” languages in human relationships. If we can discern which of these languages, or combination of languages, best fits our definition of giving and receiving love…. and if we can discern which languages work for our partner, we can move closer to speaking the same language.

Here are the five languages, very briefly stated. See where you fit in.

Words of Affirmation: You feel loved when loving; affirming, appreciative words are said to you. Words are important

Acts of Service: It feels really good when your partner does nice things for you and in turn you like to do nice things, often without being asked

Receiving gifts: You love giving and receiving gifts, large and small. You like to give and receive in thoughtful and unexpected ways

Quality time: Nothing is more important than giving quality time to one another. This time is for the two of you only

Physical touch: As humans we need this. It does not need to be sexual, although this can be important. It could simply be a warm hug.

So, back to our generic couple, lets suppose one member of this couple needs words of affirmation and love, loves to give these things, but has a harder time with the physical aspects of showing love. Because this couple cares about one another, they will each listen to what the other person longs for, while also stating clearly their own needs. The listening and caring creates the bridge that makes it possible to become more of what is needed for your partner, while your partner is also doing the same for you. You and your partner are now becoming your own family, in a sense, and you are creating a new love language that is unique to you as a couple. This is what will sustain you and create longevity and vitality in your relationship.

Do I Have To Give Up ME to be with YOU?

Posted on February 12, 2020 by admin

Entering into an intimate relationship can be a scary thing.
Consider what is at stake.
On the one hand, we are a social species. We are wired to desire connection with others, both physical and emotional. We are, by nature, interdependent

On the other hand, in some real sense, each of us is a universe unto ourselves. On an individual basis, we long to express ourselves in an authentic way. In pursuit of the expressing our true selves, we resist the pull of others we think are trying to control us.

So… entering into relationship means we are feeling the tension between being ourselves and merging with another. The central question is: “Where do I end, and you begin? How do I navigate those boundaries?

The answer, I believe, is simple and and yet profound:
Know yourself, to the very core of your being… and continue to be self-reflective.
Out of personal reflection you will discover a sense of self that is solid and non-negotiable
Find someone who is equally devoted to self-reflection, and share your emotional life with this person.

Ideally, you are each living your full potential, at the same time as you are co-creating a third entity, which is the relationship. It is possible to do this, because you are devoting yourself to supporting your partner as much as you support yourself. The results prove the truth of the saying. “The whole is much more than the sum of the parts”

Dating online after age 50? The “secret sauce” to Fastrack success

Posted on December 6, 2019 by admin

If you find yourself wanting to date after 50 you may quickly discover that time has grown shorter in terms of finding the “right” match. Gone are the days when time stretches out infinitely in front of you and you can “kiss” a multitude of “frogs” before you can settle into something comfortable and sustaining. In addition to this, you have reached the time of your life when you are probably no longer worrying about finding the perfect person to raise children with. Instead, what I hear amongst clients, friends, and family members who are looking to date, is that everyone is looking for a true and loving human connection. In the long run this counts way more than physical attraction. We all want to be seen, heard, and treasured, and this is never truer than in the relationship we seek with a life partner.

SO HOW DO WE GET THE CONNECTION WE DESIRE?

Relationship psychologist Arthur Aron offers a suggestion for accelerating emotional intimacy. It’s a solution that lends itself beautifully to the “online” dating universe. A central premise of Dr. Arons ideas about finding emotional intimacy is that two people become closer when they allow themselves to be vulnerable to one another. What this means is that both partners must gradually feel emotionally “safe” enough to “self disclose” feelings, and experiences, from the deepest recesses of their inner lives. These are the things that are often not spoken to just anyone, which means that both partners must share in equal measure.

BUT HOW DO I KNOW I CAN TRUST SOMEONE NEW WITH MY DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS?

The answer is that you can’t possibly know whom you can trust…not in the beginning. The key is that you both gradually open up to one another, and you do this by asking each other a series of open-ended questions that are structured so that they are increasingly more private, and more revealing. The questions fall into three categories with each category revealing more that the one before if either of you feels uncomfortable with answers along the way, this may be the “red flag” that you are with the wrong person.

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF QUESTIONS, IN ORDER OF DEEPENING INTIMACY:

Category 1…. Easy “get to know you” questions:

What is a “perfect” day for you?
What famous person would you most like to meet?
If you were old and had to chose between losing physical or mental capacity…which would you choose and why?
What are you most grateful for?

Category 2…Going a little deeper:

What is your greatest accomplishment
What question about yourself would you ask a crystal ball?
What is your best memory…and what is your worst and why?

Category 3…. highest level of tenderness and vulnerability

What are the things you like most about me…like least?
What is your most embarrassing/shameful moment
When did you last cry, and how was that for you

The questions are meant to open people up to one another, but won’t work without equal participation and a willingness to “go further” than the original question. They are geared toward creating deep intimate connection and can work as well for deep friendships as they do for romantic relationships. The advantage is that you will find things out quickly that will help you hone in on the right person, as well as screen out the wrong one

Dating After 50…Its Surprisingly Liberating

Posted on November 13, 2019 by admin

A good friend of mine divorced recently. She, like me, is in her sixties. Her children are launched, she owns a home, and she is secure and happy in her job. She’s terrified though, at the prospect of dating “in the grey years” as she terms this time in her life. “What if I’m all washed up and unattractive now?” she laments. “I don’t know if I can handle the rejection that will inevitably be a part of this process”.

Here are the main points of the little “pep” talk I gave her:

First of all, you need a basic change of “mindset” regarding your value and worth at this time in your life. Take some time to look at and acknowledge all that you bring to the table. Think about all of your life experiences, your rich insights and wisdom, your accomplishments…all that you have to offer
This is a whole new ballgame of dating…completely unlike when you were young and looking for someone you might want to settle down and have a family with. You have no worries about biological clocks, or the “work/life” balance issues that are a part of raising a family. That part of your life is done. Now it’s just about compatibility.
You know yourself far better, hopefully, than you ever have. Just take some time to asses what works and doesn’t work in your relationships. Do this inner work before starting to date, and you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak. The only thing you don’t have, that you might have before, is a whole lot of time for a relationship that was doomed from the start. You can learn to spot those
Be as open minded as possible as far as the superficial physical and/or “lifestyle” details about a person. Of course you can have “deal breaker” characteristics of someone who you can’t be with. But…try to be flexible
Above all…. have fun and be adventurous. Go places and do things with new potential partners that you have not done before. This can be one of the best times of your life

“Consent”…What Does This Mean In the Modern Dating World?

Posted on October 4, 2019 by admin

One of my favorite series on Netflix is called “Working Moms”. It’s basically about a group of working mothers in Canada who meet weekly to talk about juggling their careers and motherhood.

I recently watched an episode that featured a single dad who was asking this group of moms about the concept of “consent”. Apparently he had been on a date and was confused because he asked “permission” before he initiated any physical touch…and he was accused of being “boring and unassertive”

The group tossed around ideas about the meaning of “consent”, and a few women admitted that they sort of enjoyed being “pursued” by a man. Did the need to obtain “consent” mean an end to flirtation and playfulness, they wondered? Where was the fine line between feeling desired, and sought after…. and aggressively “stalked”?

These days I don’t think the answers to these questions are clear cut. The dating “contract” between two people in the era of “me too”is in the process of significant renegotiation. The same rules as before just don’t apply.

So…. I’m thinking that if you are embarking on the project of online dating, its probably a good idea to make a discussion of “consent” part of the “getting to know one another” phase.

How do you each feel about the importance of consent?
Has either of you had bad experiences with lack of consent?
What is a comfortable way to communicate with one another non-verbally as well as verbally about the “comfort level” of what is going on in the “physical” realm?

It seems like if there is a mutual understanding about how each person feels and what the “rules” are, there can be plenty of room for flirtation and spontaneity within the structure

Just talk about it!!

Rediscovering Yourself After Divorce

Posted on September 26, 2019 by admin

Divorce in the United States has become so commonplace that I think we underestimate the psychological impact it has…particularly on the party who feels “blindsided” by its occurrence.

Case in point is a woman I know well who has been married for fifteen years and has several “tween” children. Although she can admit now that there were “red flags” in her marriage that she should not have ignored…. still she was unprepared for her husbands abrupt announcement that he had met the “true” love of his life and he wanted a divorce

WOW…REALLY???

Rebuilding A Coherent Narrative Of Your Life

What I have heard over and over from friends and clients of mine who have been shocked and dismayed by such announcement, is that the entire “story “of your life is turned upside down. You don’t know who you are, what your life means, what you can believe, or where to go from here. You have to start over. You have to construct a new story

The Narrative Of Your Life Depends On Reliable Memories

So, apart from the deep hurt of realizing that your life partner no longer loves you, there is also the disillusioning disorientation of looking back on the life you have had with your partner and wondering what went wrong. Oftentimes couples will “rehash memories from the past and discover that they don’t remember things the same way. This can be very disturbing because we tend to assume that we have “fixed” shared memories with our loved ones. When we learn that our memories are not the same, we may doubt ourselves. Was everything we believed in actually a “lie”? What can I believe in? I don’t “trust” you ( my ex partner) anymore…and perhaps more importantly…. I have lost trust in myself. Have I lied to myself?

Building A New Narrative…. and a stronger More Resilient Sense Of Self

The healing begins with the realization that memory is not as “fixed” and stable as we would like to believe. Our memories of events are in fact ours alone…and they are always colored by the feelings we experienced at the time. In a “divorce” situation, there can be this “out of body” feeling that your “once beloved” ex partner has rewritten history to conform to his/her version of events. It may be a “version” that is very hurtful to you, and casts doubt on everything you thought you knew.

Go Back To What You Know To Be True

The key is to remember that you are the writer of your own story…past present and future. You get to remember things in a way that serves you. Your memories can of course include things that you see now more clearly so you don’t make the same mistakes as before…but you can also choose not to remember things that were hurtful to you. You get to “divorce” yourself from these things.

The important thing is not to forget your past….but rather editorialize it a bit.

Then weave that past into your present and your future.

It’s your story…after all

How To Be Authentically “Present “ and “Connected” In Your Relationships Just …Listen

Posted on August 7, 2019 by admin

In my work as a couples’ therapist I’m constantly amazed at how frequently both members of the couple completely misunderstand each other and instead make completely wrong assumptions about what is being said.

Put Simply, misunderstandings are constantly created because we are often not really listening to one another.

With couples who have been together for awhile, the problem is much worse because patterns of misunderstanding are firmly entrenched. What happens is that, instead of “listening” fully to our partner, we “brace” ourselves for attack and occupy our minds with “counterattack” arguments. Then we “blast” our partner with the “counterattack” argument that does not even truly “match” what our partner is trying to say.

In This scenario nobody feels Heard!

Here is What I’d like to suggest instead:

Try to have a beginners “Zen” mind when you sit across from your partner. Don’t assume you know anything about what will be said. Right now you are the “listener”
Make eye contact, relax your breathing, and allow the content to flow into you naturally. Focus on understanding what is being said. Don’t focus on retaliation
Be sure the “talker” is finished and then ask questions about things you don’t understand. Don’t interrupt. Now, reflect back what you heard until you get it right. Invite corrections to your understanding

What I have found is that healing begins when someone feels truly listened to and heard. Now, take a moment to “listen to yourself” to gauge your internal reaction to the words you have heard. Switch roles so that you can now be the talker as your partner listens to your feelings about what was said when your partner was the talker.

This method of communication, where you are either a “talker” or a “listener”, makes it possible for you and your partner to become united in a shared understanding of how you both feel. Now you can proceed to the “problem solving” and “compromise” phase…which is never possible until you both feel you have been heard.

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