Mature couple talking together in sofa

We all know how it feels to truly and deeply “heard”. It’s a feeling best described as “you get me” and ‘you know where I’m coming from”. As a therapist I know I’m on the right track when a client feels listened to and “gotten” in this very deep way. I also know that that there are ways for all of us to become better “listeners” when it comes to all of our communications, but especially our most important communications with those who mean the most to us.  Good listening skills are essential for forming and maintaining relationships.  Here are a few tried and true listening strategies you can practice and perfect right now.

PRACTICE EMPATHIC ATTUNEMENT:  When I speak of the concept of “attunement”, you might imagine a piano that is perfectly “in tune”. If you play or listen to piano a lot you can tell the difference between a piano that is “in tune” as compared to one that is “out of tune” The notes in an “out of tune” piano are discordant or false in some way. They are not pleasant, and most importantly they are not “true” to how that note should sound.  When the piano is “in tune” the notes are true. They sound how they are supposed to sound. When you feel that someone is “attuned” to you as they listen, it is like you are playing a piano that is perfectly “tuned”. Your words make sense to your listener and you know this. You feel it. So, how is it you know and feel this with such certainty? How can we each be empathically attuned?

BE A LISTENER WHO LISTENS ATTENTIVELY. AND EXCLUSIVELY, TO THE SPEAKER

When we are speaking from our hearts to someone else and sharing some part of ourselves that may be vulnerable, its essential that we are received with compassion, understanding, and acceptance.  This kind of listening is “empathic” because it means listeners are taking the time to put themselves into your inner world and understand how it might feel to be you. They may not get it exactly right, but that’s ok. Clarification is always possible if your listener is really paying attention. The essential strategy to “practice if you are trying to be a good listener is the strategy of listening without interruption. This may seem obvious but in reality we often interrupt our “speaker” if we believe they are saying something wrong or something we disagree with. In couples work, interruptions are common when the “listener” feels unfairly attacked. In these cases, the listener is already planning a “rebuttal” and therefore not listening at all. Its difficult, but you have to save your rebuttal for later, when you are the talker.

PRACTICE REFLECTIVE LISTENING, AND ATTENTIVE EYE CONTACT

When I want to make sure I really understand what someone is telling me, I will often say something like “ What I heard is” (whatever it is). Did I get that right? This gives my speaker a chance to clarify and make sure I really get it right. I especially do this when I’m getting confused and I want to make sure I understand correctly. My speaker never seems offended by my asking for clarification.  It only makes your speaker feel more “heard”

MAKE SURE YOUR BODY LANGUAGE FEELS OPEN AND WELCOMING

We don’t always think about this a lot but our body language is also a communication about how much we are listening. When we are listening to someone and the environment is quiet and without distractions, it gives us a chance to “lean in” to our speaker, and demonstrate that nothing is more important than what they are telling me right now. I even had a client tell me once that the sight of of cell phone next to me on my desk demonstrated that I could be distracted. I put the cell phone out of sight from then on. 

So, here are some easy strategies to try right now. The results can be amazing!!