Lets face it.  Dating is not what it used to be.  Back in the “the day”, before online dating and before so many of us got  “crazy busy” with developing our careers, we met our potential partners in a number of casual ways.  We might, for example meet through mutual friends, or at a party, or through school or work contacts.  Also, the world was a different place several decades ago.  Women were often financially dependent on making a “good match.”  If you could “fall in love” that was a lucky bonus, but marriage was an economic arrangement that fulfilled the requirement of creating stable families for a stable society.

None of the above is true now. Women are in the working world in much greater numbers, and they are spending just as much time and energy creating fulfilling careers as their male counterparts. There is also not as much pressure on men to be sole “providers.” in marriages. Committed relationships strive to be more “equal” and less “role” bound than in previous years.

While all of these changes are wonderful in many ways, the world of “dating” has become much more complicated.  Now, when a person looks for a good “match” in terms of dating the idea is to find someone who is truly a “soul mate”.  In some ways there is a lot more pressure when you are marrying for “love”.  If you really want to settle down with this person you want them to be your best friend, your lover, your ideal “co-parent”, an equal housekeeper…. on and on and on.  Modern dating is more about “wanting” to be paired up rather than “needing’” to be paired up.  Everyone wants to find the perfect person for him or her.

Enter online dating.  Its billed as being as easy as creating a profile, identifying characteristics that you desire in a mate, and then matching yourself, or being “matched “to your ideal mate.  It’s done logically, using algorithms and common sense.

The problem is, of course, human interaction, human attraction, and the forming of healthy relationships cannot be reduced to simple formula.  There is ”magic” and a “chemistry” involved in whom we are attracted to.  More importantly, actually discerning weather or not this person is good for you in the long run is a difficult process.  Given the statistics of divorce, it seems to be actually kind of a “hit or miss” process.

My question is:  Does it have to be a “Hit or miss” process?  I don’t think so.

Research on “Happiness “tells us that healthy relationships are the most important component to long life, physical/mental health, and deep contentment.  Surely its important to put as much energy into finding, developing, and keeping a good primary relationship as it is to take care of any other aspect of your health.

I’m going to be devoting a series of blogs to answering the question of how to find a truly good and lasting primary relationship.

Here are some questions I’m going to be exploring:

1. I’ve met someone I really like, but how do I know he/she is right for me?
2. How do I develop emotional intimacy with someone?
3. How to I maintain a sense of “self” while also being with another
4. How do I keep from losing myself in the relationship?
5. What do I do when there is conflict?
6. What if I seem to be more into him/her than he/she is into me?
7. How do couples establish a healthy balance of power?
8. What about sex?

In my blogs I want to attempt to answer the question of how we can find a partner who allows each of us to become the best version of ourselves when we are in his/her presence. I say this because I believe that when we are unhappy with another person, what we often mean is that we don’t like who we are when we are around that person.   Put another way, some people just seem to bring out the “worst” in us.

I hope to be introducing some ideas about having conversations with someone you think you like.  How do you figure out who you are and who they are?  How do you discover “red flags” that signal a relationship that is becoming unhealthy for you? How do you begin to “hone in” on the perfect person….for you?