If you find yourself wanting to date after 50 you may quickly discover that time has grown shorter in terms of finding the “right” match.  Gone are the days when time stretches out infinitely in front of you and you can “kiss” a multitude of “frogs” before you can settle into something comfortable and sustaining.  In addition to this, you have reached the time of your life when you are probably no longer worrying about finding the perfect person to raise children with. Instead, what I hear amongst clients, friends, and family members who are looking to date, is that everyone is looking for a true and loving human connection. In the long run this counts way more than physical attraction. We all want to be seen, heard, and treasured, and this is never truer than in the relationship we seek with a life partner.

SO HOW DO WE GET THE CONNECTION WE DESIRE?

Relationship psychologist Arthur Aron offers a suggestion for accelerating emotional intimacy. It’s a solution that lends itself beautifully to the “online” dating universe.  A central premise of Dr. Arons ideas about finding emotional intimacy is that two people become closer when they allow themselves to be vulnerable to one another.  What this means is that both partners must gradually feel emotionally “safe” enough to “self disclose” feelings, and experiences, from the deepest recesses of their inner lives.  These are the things that are often not spoken to just anyone, which means that both partners must share in equal measure.

BUT HOW DO I KNOW I CAN TRUST SOMEONE NEW WITH MY DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS?

The answer is that you can’t possibly know whom you can trust…not in the beginning. The key is that you both gradually open up to one another, and you do this by asking each other a series of open-ended questions that are structured so that they are increasingly more private, and more revealing. The questions fall into three categories with each category revealing more that the one before if either of you feels uncomfortable with answers along the way, this may be the “red flag” that you are with the wrong person.

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF QUESTIONS, IN ORDER OF DEEPENING INTIMACY:

Category 1…. Easy “get to know you” questions:

1. What is a “perfect” day for you?
2. What famous person would you most like to meet?
3. If you were old and had to chose between losing physical or mental capacity…which would you choose and why?
4. What are you most grateful for?

Category 2…Going a little deeper:

1. What is your greatest accomplishment
2. What question about yourself would you ask a crystal ball?
3. What is your best memory…and what is your worst and why?

Category 3…. highest level of tenderness and vulnerability

1. What are the things you like most about me…like least?
2. What is your most embarrassing/shameful moment
3. When did you last cry, and how was that for you

The questions are meant to open people up to one another, but won’t work without equal participation and a willingness to “go further” than the original question. They are geared toward creating deep intimate connection and can work as well for deep friendships as they do for romantic relationships.  The advantage is that you will find things out quickly that will help you hone in on the right person, as well as screen out the wrong one