Tag Archives: Relationship

Ok…So What’s Next? The Fine Art Of Building Intimacy With Someone New

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You are Finally face to face with the person you originally connected to online.  Maybe you have been in email correspondence for a while.  Maybe you have spoken on the phone or “video” chatted.  All of these communications are clues as to who you are now looking at.  But…this “in the flesh” meeting is something entirely different.  Does this person look exactly how you had imagined?  How about “body” language?  Are you even more attracted…or actually less attracted?  It has been said that first impressions can be deceiving, but I’m not sure that’s entirely true.  When we are able to read our own “body language” accurately in terms of what it is telling us about how this person “feels” to us, I think we are better off.  The key is to pay attention…to have “situational awareness” at all times.

The first conversation you have with someone new can feel awkward. Usually “conversation” starters involve small talk of some sort.  You can mention the weather, or ask if they had trouble “finding” the meeting space.

After initial pleasantries and “small talk” though, new research suggests that starting conversations with someone new about “deeper” issues rather than more “trivial”ones, means building intimacy faster.  Social Science researcher Arthur Aaron has written extensively about this and his finding is that you can really get to know someone best when you “dive” right into being curious about “larger” issues in someone’s life.  You might ask, for example, about significant childhood experiences, or why a person decided to move to a new location.  Such questions begin to build trust…especially if you signal that you are really “listening” intently to what is being said..and responding with warmth and compassion.  Also, when you allow someone to begin to risk being vulnerable with you, you will also feel comfortable to be vulnerable with them. If neither of you is “opening up” at all…this in itself should tell you something.  How can you build a relationship with someone who is “closed off” in this way?

If you are really serious about finding a “life partner” as many online daters are, you will eventually need to “dive” into asking questions about previous relationships.  This is important information, as it will yield valuable clues as to potential “red flags” and warning signs about this person you are becoming involved with.

More on this later…For the time being just try to discern weather the person you are with has the emotional “bandwidth” to even be a good friend.  Are you comfortable with him/her, and are you starting to “share” information that presents your own self as “less” than perfect.  Does the other person do the same thing?

If so….you’re on the right track.

If not…you may want to “pass” on this one..and continue on with the search.

You haven’t got all the time in the world…after all

The Present Of Your Presence

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Many years ago when I was teaching two year olds, I would greet each child individually as he/she entered the playroom. My greeting was a short but personal comment that sent the message “I see you and value you for exactly who you are”.  Children of this age are simple and transparent in their emotional reactions.  Each child started the day simply “glowing” because of having been “seen” in this way.  As an added bonus the children in my classroom were predisposed to get along with one another and bring out the best version of themselves.  This is the payoff for children who have high self-esteem.

The image of my two year old classroom came back to me recently as I contemplated the meaning of the holiday season.  This is the “season of giving”. What do I have to give, and what would I most like to be given?  There is very little in the way of material goods that I actually am longing for.  And…for the most part…my gifting list has shrunk these days to almost nothing.

The truth is…what I really want and what I feel is the most precious gift I can give is “Presence.” There is nothing more valuable to me than being in the presence of friends and family during this season.  Don’t get me wrong…material gifting can be fun, thoughtful, and even profound at times. but it can never take the place of just being around people and sharing ourselves. Human companionship is what makes life worthwhile and meaningful for me.

Underneath it all, aren’t we all a vulnerable and unsure little two year old who longs to be noticed and appreciated for who we are? Does it not still create that inner “glow” when we are seen at the deepest core of our being?

Best of all.  just being” present” is completely “free” in the monetary sense.  It matters not what your bank account is if you simply take the time to be with people in your life…or maybe even to say a kind word of acknowledgement to a stranger on the street.

So this season….just try it…..Give freely of yourself and allow others to experience the “Present Of Your Presence”

Empathy. Rocket Fuel For Human Connection

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A good working definition of “Empathy” is:  “The feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions”

I’ve been having this feeling a lot lately, as I closely follow the series of wildfires in Sonoma County. 26 years ago my home and neighborhood were literally obliterated by a firestorm as I fled in terror with my 10-year-old daughter.  We had nothing but the clothes on our backs.  So yes, I know how it feels.  I hear the stories and they are my story.

I also hear wonderful, amazing, and heroic stories of rescue and stories that illustrate the outpouring of compassion and generosity that our fellow human beings are capable of.  These stories are also familiar as I recall how many people were instantly available to my family to help us. We could not believe it!  I remember my 10-year-old daughter being dumbfounded at the evacuation center. “Mom”, she said, “Why are these people being so nice to us”?

Recalling my daughter’s surprise that people were “so nice” got me to thinking even further about empathy.  There are situations all over the world, or even in our own back yards, that deserve our compassion. And yet most of the time we are pretty oblivious to them.  Why is this?

Maybe the answer is partly embedded into the definition of “Empathy” We “share” another persons experiences and emotions much more easily when we have had these experiences and emotions.  We know these feelings intimately when we have had them.

Research bears this out.  Sadly, we are much more “empathic” to individuals or sets of people when they are “like” us in some identifiable way.  We are more compassionate to members of our own “tribe”

However, there is hope.  There is a way to feel more compassion and empathy to people who seem different than we are.

The answer is, Just listen.  Listen to the stories that people tell about the experiences they have had. Through the act of being fully present to another human being as they tell their story, the empathy can be built. You can enter into another persons experience this way.  Neurologically, the formation of “Mirror neurons” happens when we are in deep connection to another as we listen and respond to what they say. These “Mirror” neurons are the basis of empathy. A vast majority of us are capable of forming them.

Empathy is the basis for forming deep connections in romantic relationships and friendships.  It’s also the basis for finding compassion for groups of people who are different than we are. I think of empathy as “rocket fuel” because it works fast and efficiently to bring people into true “heart to heart” connection with one another.

And…it can be learned and practiced every day