Many of us have some experience with the classic “break-up” conversation. The experience is often very difficult for the “break-up” initiator, as well as the receiver of the unwelcome information.  I bring this up as a familiar example of how communication can feel when we have something to say that is unexpected and/or shocking to the information receiver. Our “receiver” may take the “news” in ways that are problematical. They may, for example, have some kind of an emotional outburst, or they may retreat into a kind of a stony silence, or maybe anger comes our way.  

The Human Nervous System

All of the above mentioned “reactions” are examples of how the human nervous system behaves when it is confronted with an uncomfortable reality. As trauma experts have discovered through research in the field, the brain deals with any new information that threatens its basic safety and security by going temporarily “offline”.  In simple terms, this means that logical cognitive processes for assimilating and accepting new information are not available for a time.  In human terms, the experience is one of being overwhelmed and flooded with feelings of fear and anxiety. This is an understandable “threat” response that has its origins on the Savannah when human beings had to mobilize quickly to “fight” the threat or “flee” from it.  The modern equivalent of a tiger threatening to end your life might be your life companion abandoning you, or the delivery of a diagnosis of terminal illness. These are existential threats in the very same way as the tiger.

How To Communicate When The News May Feel Like an Existential Threat To The Person Receiving Information

First, you need to resist the impulse to quickly rush through something you need to say. You may tell yourself that its more “merciful” to take the band aid off quickly.  Its not.

Next, when at all possible, arrange plenty of “in person” time to have this difficult conversation. Text messages and voicemails are cold, impersonal, and cowardly.

Thirdly, start very gently introducing what you need to say. I think of it like the doctor who warns “this may hurt a little bit…. Or it may actually hurt a lot” Your information “receiver” needs time to prepare… even if its “seconds” of time

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, our voices are the best tool to provide clear understanding, respect and empathy for how the news might be received.  Speak slowly and clearly and maintain eye contact. Remember that our “receiver” might have gone “offline” and not really heard the words you said. Sometimes you may need to check this out.  “Did you hear what I said?” and “Stay with me” are words that can bring you into alignment with the emotional tone of the conversation.

Be Brave

Communicating with respect and empathy in emotionally charged situations, especially when we may be seen as the “inflictor of pain”, is not a fun experience. It takes the ability to tolerate feelings of guilt and/or the feeling that its unfair to have to absorb the anger coming your way. (we may, after all, feel very justified about breaking up but its not the right time to bring this up). 

Hopefully though, you will come through the experience having a new understanding of how it feels on both sides of difficult news. This may not be the only time in your life you need to do this.